Your Guardian Angel
by InkAndPaperTwin
Summary: MCR fanfiction, about Gerard's guardian angel. Rated M for later chapters and uh...gore. Not your typical fanfiction hahaha.
1. School Sucks

School Sucks

School Sucks  
I buried my head in my pillow. I didn't want to face the rest of my life at the moment. The sun was barely peeking through the blinds when I lifted my head up. I forced my self to get out of bed.  
_I hate New Jersey,_ I thought to myself as I pulled on the dreaded grey skirt. I was regretting the mistake I had made a few months before as I attempted to do my tie. Why did we move from civilized Ohio to New Jersey?  
_Because you're a failure, Autumn._ Angel...The term barely suited my personality. But like all the rest, I had to find some shit head human to look after, make sure they didn't fuck their generation, and then replace them when they die. My last one didn't work out so well. I thought I could trust him...no. No human can keep a secret. So why did I tell him?  
_You were in love with him, stupid./Well, to make a long story short, he told people. /A lot_ of people. We had to move. Not only that, but my mother had to kill people and make it look like an accident. So we changed our name from Apfels to Apples and headed to NJ. I walked downstairs, waiting for my mother to tell me why I shouldn\'t fall in love with a human.  
"Autumn..."  
"What?"  
"The school you're going to isn't a catholic school." She rolled her eyes  
"Really?"  
"Yes, now go change!" I was thanking God all the way up the stairs. I quickly pulled on a pair of skinnies, a black Metallica tee, and converse. I pulled the bun out of my hair and smeared black eyeliner along my lower lid. I ran down the stairs and out the door.  
The cold October air stung my arms and face as I ran to the school. I stopped briefly at the river nearby; it looked like there was someone in it. I ignored it and continued.  
_Thanks mom. You want to go into hiding, so you move us to the most dangerous town in the US_ I finally saw the school come into view. There were people dashing in and out, trying to memorize their schedules. I walked into the attendance office, where the secretary gave me a hand book, emergency forms, and my tenth grade schedule. I threw all but my schedule into my bookbag, and looked for my locker on the fourth floor.  
/66-4, 66-5, 66-/"Oh, for heaven's sake!" The angel's locker was the devil's number. I swapped my books and grabbed my art stuff. I wasn't too sure where the room was, but I was sure the girl nearby knew.  
"Excuse me?" I tapped her on the shoulder."What!" She spat when she saw me.  
"Where is the art room?""The basement." And with that, she turned on her heel and left."Thanks, I think." I took another quick jog down the stairs, but when I reached the first floor, the stairs stopped. I tried to get someone else's attention, but no one wanted to help me. A somewhat punk-rocker type boy was about to dash up the stairs, but I grabbed his hand to get his attention, to get _anyone's_ attention."Huh?" he turned around and looked me strait in the eye. I resisted my shy reflex to stare at my toes.  
"Where is the basement?" ...Why did I grab his hand again? He started to laugh.  
"Are you new?" His smile was beautiful, I must admit.  
"Yes, why?" He laughed again. It wasn't a mean laugh, more like an I-feel-sorry-for-you laugh.  
"Well, uh, this school really doesn't have a basement."  
"Damn..." I was about to turn and leave, but he put his hand on my shoulder.  
"Um...what's your next class?"  
"Art10, why?"  
"Oh, that's my next class, too!" I smiled and followed him up the stairs.  
"Say, I didn't catch your name. I'm Gerard, by the way."  
"Oh, I'm Autumn. Er...nice to meet you." I sported a nervous grin. Could he be...?  
"What's so funny now?" He had yet another gorgeous grin on his face."You are _way_ too nice for this school, you know that?" Gerard held open the door to the art room.  
"No, I didn't know that." I peered into the dimly lit room, there was hardly any art in the room. It looked and felt like a prison.  
"Creativity isn't very encouraged here, is it?" I said, trying to get the topic onto art.  
"Yeah, well, what did you expect?! It's a high school!" I laughed. I wanted to read his mind so badly; to just know what he thought of me, but I restrained myself. He continued:  
"And just wait until SexEd!" He puffed up his chest to make himself look more like our health teacher. "If you fuck up," he pointed at me. "You're gonna DIE!!" We both collapsed in a heap of giggles.  
"MR. WAY!!" we both snapped our heads up at the sound of our art teacher's voice."If you want to flirt with the new student, you can do it on your own time, GOT IT?!" Gerard blushed and looked at his shoes.  
"Yes, sir." He muttered, embarrassed.  
"As for you, Miss...Miss..."  
"Apples," I muttered, myself. My last name wasn't exactly something to be proud of. Gerard confirmed that by snickering behind my back. I snuck my hand behind my back and, without getting the teacher's attention, gave him the only kind of sign language that I knew. He stopped.  
"Miss Apples. Unfortunately, our only seat is next to Mr. Way, so PLEASE try not to talk too much?"  
"Yes, sir." I turned to find Gerard with his head in his arms, laughing so hard he was shaking."Oh, please. Coming from someone in a Poison shirt..." I sat back and waited for his reaction.  
"Hey, hey now!" He grabbed my journal off my stack of books and started to flip through it.  
"You write poetry?" He held the notebook out of my grasp and continued to read it.  
"Yeah, and I don't like anyone reading it." His eyes grew wide at one poem, the one about Erik. He looked at me and I dropped my gaze."Ex boyfriend?" he questioned sympathetically.  
"Yeah," I breathed, turning my head so he didn't see me cry.  
"Aw, sugar," he wiped the tears out of my eyes.  
"MR. WAY!!"


	2. Your Dreams And Your Hopeless Hair

Your Dreams And Your Hopeless Hair

Your Dreams And Your Hopeless Hair

"Dude, the teacher said to draw your dream deferred," Gerard whispered as he looked at the angel I was starting to sketch.  
"And that's exactly what I am doing. And my name's not 'dude'" He shrugged and went back to his drawing of...a drawing.  
"Why are you drawing _that,_ Gee? You're good at art." A boy about the same age as Gerard(and with enormous hair) took a seat next to him.  
"Nice girlfriend, huh Gerard?" He pushed the boy out of his chair.  
"This is Ray," Gerard sighed. He was obviously getting tired of me being called his girlfriend.  
"Nice hair," Ray nodded in approval. Gerard reached for a black pastel and put a big 'X' in the middle the easel he was drawing. Starting a new school in the middle of the second quarter couldn't possibly help my grade any. Relentless, I spent the rest of the period learning more about Gerard and Ray. Unfortunately, Gerard wasn't in my next class, Science, but Ray was able to manage.  
I ran into the classroom, running late as usual, and sat down next to Ray. He was the only one in the classroom that I recognized, besides the girl who had given me grief earlier.  
"I'm not sure I got your name. Was it...Amber?" Ray began rummaging through the box of supplies our teacher gave us to do our experiment.  
"Autumn. Autumn Apples." I cringed at the sound of my new last name.  
"I think there's a store around here with that name..." I rolled my eyes.  
"You're just as bad as Gerard. And - what the hell are you doing?" Ray had taken a match from the box, lit it, and was now waving it under his nose.  
"Matches are fun!" he giggled. I started to measure out the alcohol for our burner, when I heard Ray start screaming.  
"Oh what now - Holy fuck, your hair's on fire!" Indeed, what had used to be his 'fro was now living hell.  
"NO SHIT!!" he shrieked as he tried to pat the fire out with his hands. I dashed to the front of the classroom and filled a bucket. All the other students were cheering me on, like it was some sort of Olympic sport. I grabbed the bucket by the bottom and dumped it onto Ray's head. Just the sight of him was priceless: soaked to the skin, his face was completely blank, and there was an almost comical singe of smoke drifting from the top of his head.  
"And that," I pointed at my poor friend, "Is what you don't play with matches." As if on cue, the students started clapping. I took a bow, and sat down.  
"All the world's your stage..." Ray muttered as he marched down to the office. I didn't see him until lunch, where I met up with Gerard and yet another boy. He was slightly smaller than the rest of us, and was hunched over a book, deep in thought. His glassed were clinging to his nose for dear life.  
"Hey, Autumn." Gerard pulled up a chair for me to sit down.  
"Hey. Who's this?" I motioned to the glasses boy.  
"We call this one Mikey. He's my younger brother."  
"Doesn't he look a bit young to be in ninth grade?" I whispered, trying not to draw Mikey's attention. Gerard looked a bit confused for a minute, then caught on to what I was saying.  
"He really should be in eighth grade, but he was too smart for junior high. Right Mikey?" He waited a few seconds before responding.  
"...huh?" We laughed, but none of us were ready for what Ray was about to bring. He came into the cafeteria with a brown paper bag over his head, ashamed of the current state of his hair.  
"What the hell...?" Gerard pulled the paper bag off Ray's head, and fell out of his chair. Most of Ray's 'fro was still there, besides the fact that there was an inverse Mohawk right in the middle of it.  
"DUDE! You really fucked up this time, didn't you?"  
"Get up, Gerard. I'll tell you what _really_ happened..."


	3. The Sharpest Lives

The Sharpest Lives Are The Deadliest To Lead

The Sharpest Lives Are The Deadliest To Lead

"Autumn?" Ray waved his hand in front of my face. I hardly noticed. I was too distracted by what Gerard was drawing. It was a girl, dressed in a beautiful gown, but there was what looked like blood on her hands and face. Gerard caught me at my staring and put the paper away.  
"Yeah?" I said, finally going to eat my lunch.  
"You going to Frank's party?" I made a face at his improper grammar.  
"Frank...?"  
"Iero," Gerard finished. "He's going out with one of Mikey's friends."  
"Her name is Victoria. I don't know why, but whenever I'm around either of you, I feel something weird." Gerard just couldn't leave that alone.  
"That's called an erection, Mikey. It's okay to like girls." He shrugged it off and continued.  
"No, it's almost like an aura, not an /erection," he rolled his eyes at what he thought was inappropriate. I wrung my fingers nervously.  
"Whatever you say, dude," Gerard winked at Mikey.  
"Autumn, what's your next class?" It was nice to know that Mikey was actually engaging in conversation. I forgot about the whole Frank thing for a while.  
"English, why?" A smile spread across his small face.  
"Victoria's in that class!" the bell rang as soon as he said that.  
"Well, I'm sure I'll see her soon." I gathered my belongings, waved to Gerard and ran to seventh period.  
Like the rest of the rooms at Belleville High, the English room was dimly lit, but this one had more of an ominous feeling to it. A girl sitting towards the back caught my eye. Her shorter, choppy, dark violet hair grabbed my attention. I sat down next to her, and almost immediately she asked the question I thought I'd never hear.  
"Show me yours and I'll show you mine" she smiled at me. I hoped that what I was interpreting was what she meant. I gently tugged at my sweater sleeve, hardly revealing the cross that would be forever engraved into my wrist. The girl pulled at her pant leg and I barely saw hers, cleverly hidden with a bandage. She scribbled down something on a note and slipped it to me. I read and memorized her address as our teacher began to ramble about the importance of the english language.  
"Come over to my place before the party." I shrugged my shoulders.  
"I have to check with my mom first." She laughed.  
"Stop that."  
"Okay, okay."  
"You're Victoria, right?"  
"Yeah, and you're Autumn?"  
"Wait for me outside the school, okay?"  
"Sure..." The rest of the day went fast. My mind was focused more on Victoria and the party than my studies. Gerard caught up with me before I found Victoria.  
"Hey, want me to walk you home?" he ran beside me. I walked backwards, wanting to see his face more and more.  
"I would love that, but I'm going home with Victoria." I smiled  
"Plus, my mother wouldn't exactly approve of you."  
"What do you mean?"  
"She'll think you're my boyfriend," I said, rolling my eyes. He began to giggle again.  
"Why? There isn't anything wrong with me being your boyfriend..." I pushed him away and skipped down the steps.  
"Ditch the eyeliner and I might think about it" I called after him.  
"No fair!" he tried chasing me, but I could out run any of the people at our school. I found Victoria, and we ran away before Gerard could find us.  
"So, your place or mine?" Victoria asked as my street loomed nearer.  
"Ah...mine." I decided. My house was new, but I had already put up so many posters, I forgot what the colours of the walls were. It was something I had been proud of in Ohio; it would most certainly be something to be proud of here.  
"Mom?" I called when I led Victoria into my small house.  
"You can go to the party..." Damnit, she read my mind!  
"But..." There was always a 'but' when you had to abide by the Law  
"No drugs, no booze, no sex" I recited, rolling my eyes. I pulled Victoria up to my room before she could say anything else to embarrass me anymore. She stretched out on my bed when we escaped to my room.  
"So, how did you get rid of your wings?" How did Victoria always ask the most awkward and annoying questions?  
"W-what?"  
"I used a butcher knife," she whispered and lifted the back of her shirt to show me the scars where her wings used to be.  
"A crude, yet effective, way to dispose of the fuckers." My eyes must have been wide, she started laughing.  
"I-I...My father was a human" I tried to keep my voice down, but Victoria completely killed the purpose.  
"WHAT??" then she was the one with the wide eyes.  
"Yeah, mind not yelling? My mother doesn't want me to tell anyone, but...well, you asked" She started smiling.  
"Well, better not get too friendly with Gerard. You wouldn't want to make the same mistake as your mother." I pushed her off the bed.  
"Or you with Frank..."  
"Too late for that, sweetie."  
"Stop it, now," I said, not believing what I was hearing.  
"No joke. Probably gonna happen tonight, too." I covered my ears with the pillow.  
"La la la- I'm not listening"  
"You should...you never know with Gerard when he's drunk..." Unfortunately, I had caught the last thing she said.  
"Gerard gets-"  
"No," she said, a bit too quickly "I mean, you never know." She laughed nervously. "...it's Frank's party so there's bound to be beer," Victoria was obviously trying to hide something about Gerard.  
"By the way," She tried to change the subject "Gerard is going to pick us up, Frank lives kind of far"  
"That's why he doesn't go to our school?"  
"No, he lives in Belleville, but he got caught hanging out with stoners, so his parents sent him to catholic school" I tried to ignore the idea that one of the stoners could have been Gerard.  
"But his parents are out of town a lot, so his parties are frequent" I grabbed a blouse and threw it on, my back turned to Victoria.  
"Oh boy, that's not suggestive..." She rolled her eyes when I turned around.  
"Well, what you're wearing isn't any better"  
"I like my corset, thank you very much!" The doorbell rang.  
"I'll get it!" I ran to the front door and, surprise, surprise, it was Gerard.  
"GEE!" Victoria came from behind me and hugged him.  
"VICKY" She got a very stern look on her face.  
"Don't call me that"  
"Whatever...Autumn, wow, you look-"  
"Terrible? You didn't have to tell me that one. Let's go"  
"Well, I was going to say that you looked beautiful, but..." he trailed off mid sentence. He held open the car door and Victoria and I crawled into the back of the tiny car.  
"You're driving??"  
"Yeah, so put your seat belt on." I clicked it into the slot and pulled it pretty tightly. I looked over at Victoria; she was hiking up her mini, not putting her seat belt on. I thought she was crazy.  
"It's more fun this way" I shook my head and gripped the seat as the car jerked to a start.  
"So, what's Frank like?"  
"He's a great fuck..." I sucked in a deep breath.  
"Gerard...?"  
"Sorry, A, but I would have to agree with Victoria" I put my head in my hands and laughed. We pulled into a narrow street that had an ominous feel to it. This Frank person just happened to live in the slums of Belleville. When we found his house, it wasn't too obvious that he was having a party there. I reached for the doorbell, but Gerard just barged in.  
"FRANKIE!!" Victoria ran up to 'Frankie' and planted a kiss on his lips. Frank had long black hair, but not as long as Gerard's. He threw me a bottle of what I hoped (but knew wasn't) juice. I popped the top off and pretended to sip. If Gerard and I got wasted at the same time...I tried not to think about it. It wasn't a very long party. We watched a movie for about an hour, but Ray got bored and started playing Frank's guitar, Frank and Victoria disappeared into his bedroom, Mikey was in Frank's parents' library, reading himself into a coma, and Gerard had been in the bathroom for a while and I was starting to get worried about him. I turned off the television and tapped on the bathroom door.  
"Gerard? Are...are you okay?" I heard him coughing.  
"I'm f-fine" he stumbled out of the bathroom with a lazy smile. He fell onto the couch, picked up a half-empty bottle and started drinking. I pulled his hand away from his mouth.  
"Gee, you need to stop..." But he shook his head and continued drinking. I pulled the drink out of his hand and told him more strictly this time.  
"Gerard, you need to stop. Now." He stood up and tripped out to Frank's backyard, falling into a swing. I sat down next to him, trying to convince myself that this was a dream, a nightmare, rather. Gerard turned and cupped my face in his hands.  
"Gee..?" He leaned his face in close to mine.  
"You look beautiful in the moonlight..." he slurred. His lips met mine. I couldn't help but fall into it, his tongue parted our lips. But I had to pull away.  
"Gerard, I-I have to take you home"  
"What about..."  
"She'll get a ride home. Come on." I led Gerard around to the front. The drive back to my house was a quiet one, I think Gerard passed out on the way home. He woke up when I tried to carry him into the house. I turned my back for half a second, and he had me on the couch.  
"Don't..." His hands were slowly creeping up my shirt. I tried to push him off, but inhuman strength wouldn't work unless I changed. Being half human gave me the ability to change between forms, but I didn't want to hurt Gerard.  
"Gee," I whimpered. He was undoing my buttons, pressing his lips harshly against my neck.  
"Gerard!" I screamed it this time. Just my luck, my mother wasn't home. The booze began to wear off, but my broken heart wasn't.  
"Autumn, I didn't-" He stood up and tried to reach out and comfort me, but I brushed him off. I ran up the stairs to my room, everything was blurred around the edges. He followed me, but I didn't care.  
"Autumn, I'm sorry,"  
"No," I whispered  
"And I love you!" I started crying, hating the words I was dying to hear.  
"LIAR!" I screamed and slammed the door in his face.


	4. What's The Worst That I Could Say?

What's The Worst That I Could Say

What's The Worst That I Could Say?  
I threw myself onto my bed, trying to shut out Gerard's apologies.  
_I'm sorry...And I love you! _  
"I love you, too" I whispered pointlessly into my pillow. "But I can't..." A tear streamed silently down my face. I remembered the last time I was like this, only with Erik. And it wasn't only a heartbreak that I was hurting from. I planned to never trust anyone like that again. In case you hadn't noticed, that wasn't going too well for me at the time. I sat up, the blood pounding in my head from exhaustion. I walked to the door with slow, quiet footsteps. I hesitated, letting my hand sit on the doorknob for a while. I heard him say something, but it was incoherent through the walls. My cell phone rang, almost mocking my silence.  
"I really need to change that," I said to myself.  
"Hello?" I mumbled, regretting answering every minute I was on the phone.  
"Heeeeeyyy, Auuuutuummnn!" It was Victoria.  
"You're drunk," I stated, plainly.  
"Yeeaah, but the sex was GREAT!"  
"Slut..." She laughed.  
"Sticks and stones, bitch!"  
"I have a problem..."  
"Oh...?" I waited before answering.  
"Gee's at my house, and -" I could barely get the words out of my mouth.  
"WHO CALLED IT?!"  
_"That's not what I meant!"_ I hissed.  
"Why not try telling me what you mean?"  
"I mean...you were right," I admitted. She didn't say anything.  
"He, Gerard, got drunk." She still kept quiet.  
"And he tried to, you know..." She sighed into the receiver.  
"Do you want me to come over?"  
"Nah, it's okay." I knew it wasn't. I heard her giggle, and then the line went dead. I dropped the phone to the floor, walked to where Gerard was, and slowly opened the door.  
"Gee?" He was stomach down on the floor, his face rested on his arms. He was breathing in what looked like painful, irregular patterns.  
"Are you okay?" I heard a muffled 'no'. I rolled him over onto his back and propped him up against the wall. Sweat and make-up stained tears streaked his face. I wiped them away, feeling a hint of irony. I had always pictured the guy wiping away the girl's tears, not the other way around. He looked pale.  
"I feel sick..." he whispered.  
"It's okay...you'll be fine." I took his hand and squeezed it.  
"Autumn..." His eyes were rolling back into his head. I tucked my hands under his arms in a sad attempt to pick him up. He collapsed on top of me. I pushed him off, gently. I didn't want to hurt him, not again.  
Not another one.  
I disposed of the bag in the bathroom, and then went to check on Gerard. He had passed out, as I had imagined would happen. I pushed my ear up against his chest. There was a heartbeat, but barely. His breath had grown short. I knew what was wrong with him, but I didn't know what to do. I picked my phone up off the ground and dialed 911. I told the operator that my brother had alcohol poisoning. I really didn't need the story of my life on a hospital record. I told her where I lived and soon enough, the ambulance had arrived. I felt uneasy, and a bit panicked, during what seemed like a rushed ambulance ride. I couldn't wait to see what my mother would do when she found out...  
"I heard your friend here had too much to drink, eh?" I shrugged.  
"Yeah" I wasn't in the mood to argue with his nosiness.  
"What's your girlfriend's name?"  
"My _brother's_ name is Gerard" The man's face grew pale. He didn't say much after that. Gerard didn't look _that_ much like a girl, did he?  
We pulled into the hospital. Gerard was wheeled to a room, but they made me sit in the lobby and wait. Some pretty sad looking people came in through the lobby while I waited for Gerard. One was a woman who was sobbing and wouldn't stop complaining how cold it was. Another was a girl, a little younger than I, with a baby on the way. By the time the doctor had come out to tell me what happened, I had seen enough.  
"Can I see him, now!?" I begged, wanting to leave the lobby as soon as possible.  
"Sure, but don't have high expectations." I wanted to say something, but I didn't. I found the room that Gerard was in, and he was a sight for sore eyes. His hair was a sweaty, matted mess. There were dark circles around his eyes from make-up or exhaustion. Blood stained his lips from vomiting so much. I sat down in the chair next to him.  
"Oh, God, Gee." I stroked his cold, pale cheek with my hand, and then ran my fingers through his hair. Gerard slowly opened his eyes.  
"A-Autumn," He was having trouble talking; his voice was hoarse. "How...What happened?" I didn't have to answer; he remembered on his own.  
"I'm sorry, Autumn. I really -" I put my other hand to his lips.  
"Shh, it's okay" I rested my head on his chest. His heartbeat was steadier now; his breath stronger.  
"I'm sorry, too."  
"I should have told you. You didn't need to see me like this." He tipped my face up towards his. I tried to reassure myself that this was okay; that I could trust him.  
"But I meant it," He looked at me, hesitant. "I meant it when I said I loved you." He pulled my face close to his.  
"And don't you _ever_ forget that." Gerard gently pressed his lips against my forehead.  
"I guess we all have secrets..." He said, almost like a question.  
"...That all have a time to be told," I finished for him. I sat up, silently asking him to go home.  
I gave the receptionist my address for billing, then called my mother to come and pick us up from the hospital. I mentioned that I would explain later. After an uncomfortably quiet ride and dropping Gerard off at his house, Mom began the interrogation.  
"I told you he wasn't the right type to hang out with..." I kept my face pressed against the window, not in the mood to answer my mother's awkward questions.  
"Mom..." I moaned.  
"What as he in the hospital for?" I didn't say anything.  
"Autumn..."  
"What's the worst that I could say?"


	5. My Way Home Is Through You

My Way Home Is Through You

My Way Home Is Through You  
I opened and closed my eyes before I decided to accept reality that morning. The only evidence that last night actually happened was the blouse with broken buttons and torn seams in a heap next to my unmade bed. That, and the headache pounding in my head. Somewhere in my mind, something told me to pull on some pants, but somehow forgot to tell me to put on a decent shirt. It also told me that the newspaper was necessary to go on, but somewhere between my mailbox and my front door, the morning news didn't seem quite as important as crossing the street and going to Gerard's house. I happened to be smart enough to not wear shoes and at nine in the morning, Mikey found me on his doorstep, freezing my ass off. He quickly ushered me into the house.  
"Gee's not home right now, I think he's at some sort of art class." He threw me a sweatshirt that obviously wasn't his.  
"Oh, I'll leave-"  
"It's okay; I need to talk to you anyways…"  
"About…?" I sat down on the stairs, figuring I would be there for a while, and pulled the sweater tighter around me. Did everything Gerard owned smell this good?  
"It's Victoria…" He paused, shutting out his mind from me. Mikey and Winter were that only 'people' that I knew who I couldn't read their minds.  
"Is she okay?" I thought for a second. "Is it Frank?"  
"No…no. I think I love her, A." Shit. Shit. Shit.  
"Well, sleeping with Frank aside," he looked at me funny. "Why don't you just tell her?"  
"I don't know. I guess it's because I've known her since we were little and she hasn't always acted this way." Mikey pushed his glasses up on his nose, sniffled and continued:  
"We were so close to going out, but then she met Frank and that shook up everything completely. They started seeing each other more and more often. Next they were sleeping together and she kept telling me how he'd hurt her if she wouldn't-" The words caught in his throat.  
"So you're saying that she deserves better?"  
"I guess."  
"I'll talk to her, okay?"  
"Alright. I think Gerard will be home soon, so…" He started up the stairs.  
"Hey, Mikey?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Is it that bad that I fell for Gerard that quickly?" He waited a bit before answering.  
"No. Not at all." He said finally before dashing up the stairs, just in time for Gerard to come home.  
"I'm ba-ack…Autumn!?" He said with almost an air of disbelief in his voice. Gerard wrapped his arms around my waist to give me a hug, lifting me off the ground in the process.  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He kept saying that over and over until I told him to stop.  
"It's okay, it wasn't your fault." He put me back down and sat down next to me.  
"You keep telling yourself that." I shook my head, but left it at that.  
"So, what brings you to my place this early in the morning?" It was only nine, but I didn't mention it.  
"The fact that I wanted to talk to you about nothing in particular." He raised an eyebrow, but I was nowhere close to caring.  
"And you showed up in your pajamas, because? Or do you have a sudden obsession with hair metal hoodies?" I pulled the sweater tighter around me still.  
"I told my voice of reason to take a long walk off a short pier." He smiled at me. Did I mention how cute he was when he smiled?  
"Oh! Can you do something for me?" He stood up and led me up the stairs.  
"Um…'kay?"  
He led me into what was his bedroom but it looked more like a comic book convention. Cover art lined the walls, most of it you could tell was his own by the jagged lines that reflected not only in his drawing style but in his handwriting as well. An easel was propped up in front of the window, a drawing pad on top of it. His sheets were lazily thrown onto the bed, more important things needed to be done, I suppose. A guitar sat in the stand in the corner, but judging the layer of dust coating the body and strings, it wasn't used often. Gerard pulled a pad of paper and a pen out from the black desk next to the easel, and held it under my nose.  
"Write" he said, taking the charcoal from behind his ear.  
"Write what?"  
"Any thing I don't care. It doesn't have to be any thing or make sense. Or just hold the pen above the pad. I don't care."  
"You're drawing me!?" He nodded, the pencil flying across the canvas, only stopping when Gerard turned to get a good look at me. I stared at the pad, pen in hand.  
"Do you mind?"  
"Not at all." I had never been so flattered in my life. It took about an hour before he finished.. He covered the easel and sat down next to me and put the pencil back behind his ear, "just in case" I started about my past, about my life in Ohio and my pitiful lack of friends there. I skipped the angel parts and…him, and went on to my family.  
"My older sister is Winter," I said, happy he wasn't making fun of my sisters' names. "Then me, and the twins: Spring and Summer." He was smiling; all of us were named after the seasons. I studied Gerard's face, his expression. He looked like he was debating something in his mind, his expression changing little enough for me to notice.  
"Are you okay?" He didn't respond.  
"Gerard?" I waved my hand in front of his face.  
"Oh, hell with it." He muttered quickly before he pushed his lips into mine. It almost felt like last night, only there was more meaning behind it, more-  
"Hey, Gee, Mom says…Woah, sorry guys." A red-faced Mikey quickly shuffled out of the room. Leave it to Mikey to ruin a moment. I looked at Gerard, shrugged, and continued our make-out session.

As I lay in his arms for a while, I finally felt welcomed; I just might finally have found home.


	6. I Don't Love You

6

6. I Don't Love You

"I need help, Gee." Gerard ignored me, not even lifting his eyes from the paper. I cleared my throat.  
"I said, I need help with this project, Gerard!" He ignored me, still. Only then did I realize that he had his Walkman in his ears, and relinquished my complaining to a minimal sigh.  
Ray, however, had been done since Monday and, it being Friday, was bored beyond his limits. He had taken to pissing off Gerard, usually with results that caused the teacher to send Gerard to the principal's office. This did not stop Ray from continuing his provocation of him and, in turn, did not stop Gerard from lashing out at Ray.  
I looked down at my drawing so far and it was a long ways from being done. We were on our final paper and I was having difficulty getting it right. The left wing was considerably larger than the right and hung somewhat lower as well. Eraser streaks disfigured the page. I sighed, dropped my charcoal, and stood up to turn the mess of a drawing in. Mr. Vivendi took it and shook his head.  
"Autumn, I am very disappointed in you. Your portfolio from the other school was much more developed than this."  
"My apologies, sir." The squat, podgy man opened his mouth to say something else, but Gerard's yelps interjected him.  
"Damn it, Ray!" He ripped his walkman out of his ears and rubbed his eye. I skidded back to my table, happy to get out of another 'you-can-do-better-than-this-shit' lecture.  
"What did you do?!" I whispered harshly to Ray. Gerard was flicking his sharpener knife down the end of his pencil, glaring at Ray with his blood shot eye.  
"This," and he proceeded to poke Gerard in his good eye. He jumped out of his chair, jamming his knife between Ray's eyes, refraining from contact, however.  
"ONE MORE TIME AND, SO HELP ME, I WILL GUT YOU WITH THIS KNIFE!!" I stuck my head under the table to prevent Vivendi from seeing me burst out laughing.  
"Mr. Way!"  
"I'm going, I'm going!" He grabbed his art supplies and stalked out the door. Of course, I had to be the one to wait for his third detention that week. He only had to do lines, but three days straight and it would start to get boring. I amused myself (while sitting in the kindergarten-acceptable plastic chair outside the art room) with thinking up lines Gerard might have to do. The first detention was for "disfiguring" Ray's recovering 'fro with his pencil sharpener. ("I will not give my classmates crude haircuts, no matter how badly he needs it.") The second was for putting his knife into the desk. ("I will not confront my anger issues by ruining tables that are worth more than my scholarship.")  
And today…well…: "I will not forcibly remove my classmate's intestines with a blunt object. Or threaten to do so." After this, I decided to root around through Gerard's stuff to see if I could find something to look at. My hand closed around a letter that was obviously from a girl. (Unless, of course, Ray prefers pink stationary and has changed his name to Olivia)  
Its overly-cute handwriting read:

G-Bear,  
Sorry you had to see me like that. I mean, I was drunk and whatever. And you of all people should know how that is! I gave you your first beer, remember? 'Course not, you were shit-ass drunk. Well, I hope we could still be friends and stuff.  
XOXO  
Olivia Clarke  
A pale hand plucked the note from my grasp and another entwined its fingers with mine.  
"Detention sucked, A. Let's go."  
"Whatever you say, G-Bear" I teased, smiling. But his expression remained grim.  
"Are you going to clari-"  
"Later, Autumn." He snapped. Angry was one of few emotions I had ever seen expressed on Gerard's face, but somehow I knew he was really pissed about me reading that note.  
"Oh, I forgot something," He grumbled quickly before storming off in the opposite direction, tearing his hand from mine. I leaned on the wall nearby, running my fingers through my mangled, auburn hair. The clock across the hall read half past four.  
"Winter's gonna kill me for being late" I thought. Winter, my oldest sister, could be a real pain in the ass if you got on the wrong side of her. Then again, which side of her isn't the wrong side?  
I heard footsteps behind me and I whipped around, half expecting Gerard, half expecting the worst. But there was nothing there but the echoes of my footsteps reverberating off of the large entrance hall. Gee appeared at my side silently.  
"So what did you forget?" I questioned casually. He went beck to glaring at me.  
"Why do you have to be _so damn nosy _all the time?!" He shouted, angrily (and probably unconsciously) wringing his hands.  
"I…what?" I was a little taken aback at his tone. I've heard him yell before but there was something else behind his voice this time that I had only heard once: pure hatred. He started throwing punches and caught my left eye. He went for my right, but I was quicker and grabbed his fist. I had to get to work and fast.  
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit," I muttered.  
"You bitch! You thoughtless bitch! Get your fucking hands off of me you motherfucking-" I grabbed his pocket knife out of his pants as I wrestled him to the ground. There was only one explanation for this: he was possessed by a Deamon. Three guesses for which one.  
"Get the fuck out of him, Erik." I slashed the knife quickly across my arm. Thick, scarlet blood oozed out of the wound. Grimacing, I squeezed the gash until it bled onto the back of Gerard's neck. Angel's blood is one of the few materials of this earth that Deamons cannot tolerate. He shrieked an unearthly howl, vomited what looked like blood onto the floorboards and passed out. A deep cackle echoed throughout the hall and the entire room went pitch black. Trembling with fear and pain, I stood up. The circular room began spinning, things flew off the walls and started hitting me.  
"Come out and play!" Hissed the disembodied voice. I put both my hands up in the air and screamed as loud as I could:  
"_МАЙ ОДНО ОЕ БЫЛО ЛЮДСКИМИ СВЯТЕЙШЕ_!" My feet lifted off of the ground. The wound in my arm healed immediately, but my wings started to tear through my back. Blood poured out of the slits as pure white wings spread behind me. My common clothes turned into pure white billowing robes. When my feet touched ground again, I cried out, putting my hands on the floor this time:  
"_РАЗРУШЬТЕ ДЕМОНА И СОГРЕШЕНИЯ_!" Bright light exploded from the floor. If anything had managed to not be blown away at that point, it had been obliterated completely. The wind stopped, but it was still as dark as night. I mustered up any energy I had left and whispered "_возвращение нормального к нормальному_" I was back in my human clothes, drenched in blood and exhausted. Gerard lay sleeping on the cluttered ground next to me. Even though I had rid of Erik for now, I somehow knew this wasn't the end. And I was pretty sure that it wasn't ever going to end.

……….

Yay Russian )


	7. Tell Me I'm An Angel

7

7. Tell Me I'm An Angel

"Yes, I know," said Gerard. I was lying face down on his bed while he poured a combination of hydrogen peroxide and bacitracin on my wounds; burning into the scars that would forever remain on my back. It wasn't the most comfortable thing I had ever experienced, but compared to what I had to go through a few hours preceding this, it wasn't dreadfully bad either. The radio on his dresser said it was approaching ten o' clock.

-x-

I had collapsed in the entrance hall of our high school after ridding the place (and Gerard) of Deamons. According to him, Gerard awoke to find me bleeding to death on the floor. (That's one of the downsides to being half human: you can die.) He picked me up and carried me to his house. I woke up in his arms when we were half way there; he was crying probably because he thought I was dead. His mother didn't take our arrival too kindly, figuring she let out a high pitched squeal then passed out on the floor. (I don't blame her; we were both drenched in blood and I carried the resemblance of a corpse) He let me change into an old pair of his shorts seeing that my clothes were torn and stained red.

-x-

"No, I'm an Angel" I repeated, choking down a cough. It was hard to breath when you were resting face down with two slits in your back.

"Okay, now you're just being arrogant," he laughed. I groaned in frustration. You would think that someone who worshipped the comic book industry would have caught on a little quicker than this.

"Do you remember anything that happened after your detention?" I knew that Deamon possession meant that you couldn't remember anything, but I was trying to figure out how Erik could have possibly broken the protective barrier I put up around Ray, Mikey and Gerard when I first met them. (Screw Frank, he's got Victoria)

"The last thing I remember was taking the note from you, then…I really couldn't remember anything except flashes of what I don't think were even my own memories. Does that make any sense?" I nodded as best as I could. I bit my lip, the antibiotics eating through any kind of scab that had tried to materialize over the last few hours.

"But I remember you." He said sadly. "I…what happened?" I ignored him.

"Were you angry in any way shape or form after you saw that letter?"

"What are you, my psychologist?" I sighed.

"This is important, Gee!" He pushed harder on my left side, causing me to jump in pain.

"Sorry." He waited a few moments before answering, his hands busy with bandages.

"Yes," he murmured very, very quietly.

"At me, intentionally or not?"

"Yes," he said, even softer this time. Then that meant that his anger must have broken the protection.

"Gerard, listen to me," I said, my voice shaking. Would he accept this or would he think I was a circus freak? I wanted to roll over, to look in his eyes, but seeing that I was topless would have posed more of a distraction then the repulsion that was now my flipside. At my voice he immediately stopped prodding.

"I'm your…" It was hard, the words weren't coming as easily now that he was listening.

"Your Guardian Angel" It was silent for what felt like hours.

"So…" he stated disconnectedly. "You make sure that I don't fuck up big time?" I smiled, rolling my eyes.

"I'm not doing a very good job, am I?"

"Is that why you didn't dump me on my alcoholic ass after Frank's party?" he questioned abruptly.

"Partially. That and I was falling in love with you." He was silent again, thinking up more questions, I'm sure.

"Do angels have…uh…special powers or anything?" I didn't have to look at him to tell he was blushing.

"It depends. Normal angels are born with all of their 'powers,' they just have to refine them so they don't trigger the end of the world. But half-bloods like me are born with one power and we get to learn all the rest. We're kind of the handicapped of the angel world. We're treated like that, anyways."

"What do you mean?"

"You'd think we were murderers the way they spit on us. But no, we're just part human so we're not as special."

"By we you mean…?"

"My mother, my sisters, and I, yes." His head hit the pillow next to mine, his hands resting behind it.

"But…you almost died back there. I could tell, you were barely breathing."

"Like I said, I'm part human, right?" he nodded.

"Well, guess what? Humans can die, so…so can we. I'm immortal, but I can be killed. I live forever, but if fate intervenes…" I drew my finger gravely across my throat.

"How are half angels created?" Gerard's mind was racing so fast I could barely read it.

"Well, you're either born that way, like one angel parent, one human parent, or…" I trailed off

"Or what?" he asked eagerly.

"Well, now, I don't want you getting any ideas or anything, but…you can make humans into angels." His eyes grew very wide all-of-a-sudden.

"No way!?"

"Yes, but it is painful and time consuming and-" He cut off my nervous antics.

"And I wasn't event thinking about it." He smiled; a lie.

"My dad was a human. He didn't know my mother was an angel. She didn't bother to tell him until…" my voice cracked unintentionally.

"Until it was too late."

"Autumn…?"

"He was killed by a Deamon. Possessed and killed. I couldn't let you die, not like him…" I put my face in the pillow; it was quiet for a few moments. Gerard got up swiftly and tossed me a shirt.

"Come on" He said, running out the door. Confused, I followed. Where would we be going in the middle of the night? (On a school night, too; my mother is going to flip nuggets) We went outside and just sat on his front step. It was cold for November, a few snowflakes danced in the midnight air, reflecting the light from the house as they flittered to the ground.

"So…" I said casually.

"You know, winter formal's coming up."

"And?"

"I don't know." He shifted his legs and looked down.

"I'll go with you if you want," I smiled. He looked up, his expression relieved.

"Really?"

"Well yeah, who else would I go with, Ray?" He shrugged

"There are plenty of guys who would go with you, you know" I raised an eyebrow

"Oh?"

"Yeah, that Brett kid in my gym class never shuts up about it." I shuddered. Brett Loens is the most annoying prick I have ever encountered. All he ever talks about is sex or sports. Or now, apparently, me.

"Ew…That kid makes acne look contagious" Gerard laughed.

"You should hear him. I'm just like 'uh, she's my girlfriend' and he doesn't care. I don't exist to people like him."

"Who's he going out with?" he sighed.

"Olivia."

"Oh. Uh…sorry, I didn't-"

"Not that I care," he added, then flashing a smile.

"I would guess that Victoria isn't going, seeing as Frank doesn't go to our school."

"Oh, she's going. She's just going to leave early to hang out with him." He put a slight emphasis on 'hang out'.

We both rolled our eyes.

"Your sisters…?" Then I realized I shouldn't have been there.

"Shit! They're going to kill me." I jumped up off his porch and ran as fast as I could.

"See you…later?"


	8. Take This To My Grave!

The Other 8…

8…Take This To My Grave!

"I can't believe you!" A cold hand clasped around my throat, shoving me against the back of our house: Winter.

"What…did…I…do?!" I choked, my hands scraping at hers feebly.

"You told him!" She raised me an inch with every word; I was getting dizzy. "You told the fucking human!" There was no question in her voice.

"How…are…you…so sure?" Off the ground now, I focused on pushing her away.

"Summer saw it." Damn damn damn. Whose side was she on anyways?

"Winter, put her down before you kill her!" Almost immediately, Winter dropped me in the little snow left on the ground.

"Yes, Summer" She said sardonically, stalking back into the house. Summer helped me up.

"Are you okay?" I nodded, brushing the snow off myself. Her smile faded.

"Ivy's home…" Shit.

"Oh."  
"She wants to talk to you." I knew it. She didn't like Gerard the first time she met him (he was hung over) and I knew she wouldn't have anything good to say about him this time. Ivy was only home once every two or three months; her job was demanding.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Autumn!" she cried out suddenly. "I didn't mean to tell her, It just happened…"

"It's okay, she would have found out anyway." Nervous, I stepped inside, kicked my shoes off and walked to where my mother was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Autumn…" She had a stern, business-like expression on her face; like I was one of her coworkers and not her daughter.

"Hi, Mom…" I murmured. I kept my eyes on my toes, waiting to hear the worst.

"I heard from someone-" Winter, duh. "- that you were courting a human…"

"Yeah…" I said quieter this time

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"I'm very disappointed in you." I sighed.

"Yeah, I heard"

"And you also told it everything." I looked up for the first time.

"Whoa, hold on…Gerard is not an _it…_He's a guy. Just 'cause he's human…"

"Doesn't make it better for you to tell him everything!" My face felt hot

"I didn't tell him everything, _Mom, _I told him what I was!"  
"Because you did it again, didn't you?" We were shouting now

"Well, sorry Ivy, if I didn't want to watch him get destroyed by some rouge Deamon!"

"That's it…" She said, shaken. "You are not to see him any more." My heart dropped.

"Because he's human? Remember Dad, Mom? He wasn't exactly-"

"Your father didn't dress that way." She snapped bitterly. I sighed, giving up.

"Yes Mother"

"I don't care…human, angel, whatever…anyone but him." Tears spilled down my cheeks as I nodded, turned and walked away.

………………………….

"Autumn…? Is something wrong?" All of them had concerned looks on their faces at lunch the next day, even Victoria. I shook my head. If I spoke, I could risk crying or throwing up, both of which felt like they were going to happen since I left my house that morning. Winter had an extremely smug grin on her face when I passed her in the hall. I couldn't stand it anymore.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly before tearing for the bathroom, slamming myself in a stall. I choked down sobs so that the other girls wouldn't hear me.

"Oh, I know, what a tramp…" a high-pitched voice came from the other side of the lavatory; it wasn't alone.

"I know, she sleeps with that kid from that private school doesn't she?" They were talking about Victoria, it was spread out all over their thoughts.

"That's what I heard" A different voice, slightly rougher.

"And she hangs out with the weirdest people, like that Autumn girl and Gerard…ugh." The high-pitched voice again.  
"Oh, Olivia! You used to like him!" Something stabbed at my heart.

"Ew, I know…Way over him, dearies." They tittered, and left.

"Autumn?" It was Victoria. I came out of the stall, wiping my eyes on my sleeve.

"Love, what's wrong?" I swallowed another sob

"I…Gerard…" Her face grew more and more worried.

"Did he do something?" I shook my head.

"I'm not allowed…..to see him…..anymore." Her eyes grew wide.

"Autumn! Why?" And I recounted what happened after his detention, what I told Gerard later, and how my mother reacted.

"Oh, god…" she said, softly.

"I'm going to do it…after school today…y'know, get it over with…don't string him along…"

"But winter formal's this Friday! Will you have another date in time?" I smiled slightly.

"I'll manage."

"You know who Ray's taking to the dance?"

"Who?"  
"Now, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but…" She leaned in really close. "Your sister." She whispered. Winter coming to mind, I gasped, horrified.

"Winter?! Is he mental?" She rolled her eyes.

"No, you idiot, Spring." Oh. This was…surprising. I didn't know they knew each other existed.

"Yeah, I was shocked too. They only met, like, once, and that was at my birthday party."

"Why did you invite her to that anyway?"

"She looked like she hadn't left the house in years" The bell rang.

"Come on, let's get you to class." She grabbed my arm and forced me out of the bathroom.

……………………………………………

"Hey Autumn…" I was walking home from school, seeing if I could postpone talking to him until after the dance. Unfortunately, I couldn't.

"Hey, Gee…" My voice wavered. I walked at a quicker pace, trying to get home as soon as possible.

"Are you okay?" He took longer strides to try and catch up. I walked faster still.

"I'm fine, Gerard, I just had a fight with my sisters, that's all." I bit the inside of my mouth to keep from crying; I'd have to do it sometime or other.

"Oh, okay…" I stepped over a snow pile "Victoria said there was something you needed to tell me." Victoria…great.

"Um…in a minute. I have a lot on my mind…right now." I swallowed, turning a corner into my neighborhood.

"Hon, are you sure? You look sick," His brows furrowed in confusion. I couldn't do this. I can't break his heart.

"I'm fine," I repeated. He smiled at me and put his arm around my shoulder. My home was just a few houses down; I had to do this. I broke free from him and walked a few paces in front of him. I stopped when he wouldn't follow.

"Gerard…I don't think we should go out anymore." Tears ran down my nose, falling and melting the snow off my shoes.

"Oh." I sniffled and turned to look at him. He was crying, too.

"Gerard, I'm sorry, I just-" He cut me off.

"I know. I'm not what you are and I never will be." He looked at his toes, kicking the ice around.

"Gee…" He looked up. His normally bright hazel eyes were darker and bloodshot.

"I love you, Autumn." And he turned on his heel and ran away.

………………………………………………..

I didn't know what time it was. I knew it was night; there was a window in the bathroom that I locked myself in when I got home. What could I do? I hated myself for what I was. I didn't ask for this. I hated Ivy for not understanding. I hated Winter for not caring. I hated Olivia for…being a bitch. I opened my eyes for the first time in what felt (and probably was) hours. I felt drunk, I felt dead. I picked myself up off the bathroom floor, and saw my reflection. Make up made streaks down my cheeks; my hair was tangled. My eyes looked empty, the green had disappeared completely. Behind the mirror was a medicine cabinet that I had never been in. Curious, I opened the cover and looked inside.

It looked like it hadn't been touched in years. All of my father's daily necessities were in here. Cologne, shaving things, hair gel. My eyes settled on a razor, a square sheet of metal tucked neatly in a crevice of the cupboard. I pulled it out, turning it over in my hands.

Escape. Closing the door again, I looked back at my reflection. Was this how it was going to be until I died? One major disappointment after another? Tears started sliding down my face, thinking of Gerard. Humans could feel pain, but they'd forget eventually…they'd move on. Time heals all wounds, and whatnot. But I couldn't forget.

But maybe I could.

I looked at the razor again. Small, delicate thing…but it was enough. I took the rusty blade across my wrist, blood bloomed like red roses where it touched, running down my arm and flooding the sink. It didn't hurt. I took it more viciously this time, slashing violently at my skin over and over.

Then I realized I'd gone too far.

Crimson exploded out of my arm, splattering the mirror and walls like a poorly scripted horror flick. But this was no fiction. Pain shot up and down my arm, spreading to my chest. Stars burst like fireworks in my eyes as I gripped the counter for support. My legs felt numb; the room was spinning. I let go of the ledge and collapsed.

On the floor again, I heard my heartbeat pound in my ears. Slower…slower….slower……I was bleeding to death. Slipping in and out of consciousness, hearing voices that weren't my own. Supposedly, before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. All I saw was him.

Gerard.

And then my heart stopped, my lungs wouldn't budge. I hoped I was dead.

So that maybe I would forget.


	9. With Love, Gerard

9. With love, Gerard

I stopped running. I felt wasted and tired. I loved her and she didn't get it. I know, I know I'm supposed to understand blah blah blah…But I accepted her, can't she accept me?

I sat on the ground for a minute; my head was spinning. I thought about it again…she dumped me yet she was crying.

Am I missing something here?

I was nice: I kissed her and hugged her. I remembered her birthday and our anniversary and didn't mention Olivia since the note. I respected her when she was upset and told her I loved her when I knew she was sad or lonely. I talked to her and walked her home.

Was I a bad kisser?

Naah, that's not it…

Hell, I even made her a freaking painting…that I forgot to give her…

Shit.

Well too late now…God what did I do wrong?  
Is it really because I'm human? Is there something so wretched about us that _as soon as_ we fall in love with you, you dump us? Because I'm still in love with her, I really am.

Come on, Gerard, pull yourself together…

I got up and started walking again. How many times had I held her hand? Hugged her? Kissed her? I couldn't stop thinking about her and I knew I had to get over it. I knew her and she wouldn't dwell.

Did I know her though? I felt like she could just read my mind sometimes and yet, I hardly recognized her anymore. She's an angel. She's shy and doesn't really have that many friends. She hardly talked before we broke up.

Would she still look over me after this? She made me quit drinking and smoking. "Don't hang out with Frank, I have a bad feeling about him" and whatever. Oh, my God, I'm going to die without her.

Not in like, the "I'm so broken hearted I just cannot go on" bullshit.

As in, _die_, die.

Deamons know I exist and if they found out she stopped going with me then I'm done for.

I pulled my screen door open and called out for Mikey.

"Dude you look like shit." I was soaking wet from the knees down.

"Yeah, I feel like shit too." I started walking away.

"Did something happen, uh, between you and Autumn?" I sighed

"No, why?" I didn't want to bother him with my problems, he'd find out from her anyways.

"'cause you still have her bra…" I froze. Wait, I did?

"What?"

"Yeah, its all torn up and shit." Oh, it's from when she pretty much killed herself to save me.

Then dumped me two days later.

"Oh, that was an….er…"

"An?" I heard him tapping his foot

"Accident?" I turned and shrugged. His eyes got wide.

"Dude, she's fucking _pregnant?_" I put my hand to my face.

"No you dumbass. I, uh, got dumped." He turned red.

"Oh…I…um…sorry man." He shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled off. I crawled upstairs, my throat burned from not letting myself cry. I was better than this.

I didn't want to go to my room. I knew the painting of her would be there. I closed my eyes and pushed the door open, and there she was.

I painted her beautifully, if I'm allowed to say so. Nothing near the real thing, but still. Her dark red hair cascaded down her back, over her wings that I added last minute. Her bright green eyes sparkled in the picture almost like real life. But she was an angel, that's what she was. It would have been wrong to paint her any other way. I knew what had to be done.

I kicked my shoes back on and put a cover over the painting, clutching it to my chest as I scuttled across the icy walks. I didn't bother knocking, it had been a few hours and was dark now. I let myself in and tip-toed up her stairs in socks. She wasn't in her bedroom, but I set it on her bed. I stepped back and looked around. Old posters of glamour stars lined her walls. I looked at her mirror and was shocked. Little framed pictures of us crowded her make-up off the counter. Me kissing her cheek. Us just giggling. Her birthday. My arms around her. Our anniversary. I turned around and saw the dress she'd wear to winter formal draped neatly on a hanger on her closet door. I didn't have to look twice to know it would fit her perfectly. I knew I wouldn't be going without her. I took a note card off her writing desk and a pen. _With love, Gerard._ I set it on top of the painting and walked out of her darkened room as silently as I had entered. I passed the bathroom, the light was on and the door was closed. Maybe Autumn was in there. I put my hand up to knock, but decided against it. I started down the stairs when I heard something slam. Shit, it came from the bathroom too.

"Hello?" I slowly approached the door, and freaked: a lock of red hair peeked out from under it.

"Autumn?" I had no voice. I pushed on the door gently.

"Oh, my God…" Tears slid down my face as I assessed what was in front of me. Autumn was laying in a pool of blood, wrists slit, dead.

"No…no no no!" I slid to my knees and pressed my ear to her heart. A slow, murmur of a heart beat thudded dully in her chest.

She wasn't dead.

Yet.

I acted quickly. I ran down her hallway pounding on doors. I was greeted first by a tall, lanky, at least eighteen sister. Her black hair hung in her face and her night gown dragged on the floor. She looked more ghost than human or angel…whatever the hell she was.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Cute. Real friendly too.

"Autumn…she's…bathroom…dying." I barely choked it out. Her mirror-like eyes flashed in fear and she darted down the hall. Her shrieks of grief woke the other girls. A tiny one with watery blue eyes looked shaken by her sisters cries, the other one was curious. Both were shorter than Autumn, both had the same pale blonde hair. The dark haired girl had Autumn cradled in her lap.

"Make yourself useful and call an ambulance!" She whispered, her voice was gone and tears streaked her face. The other girls rushed to her side as I scrambled down stairs for a phone. My fingers trembled as I dialed 9-1-1.

"Hello. You have reached-"

"Ok I know….Oh, my god, my girlfriend is dying" I started crying again.

"Its okay it will be ok. What is her injury?" the voice droned.

"She…she slit her wrists and is bleeding to death will you please get someone here?"

"Emergency transportation is on its way. Has she sustained any other injuries?"  
"I think she fell and hit her head…I'm not sure I just found her and" I held the phone away so the woman wouldn't hear me choke.

"Okay hon, its going to be okay. Did she hit the front or back of her head?"  
"I don't know….I don't know…" I put my head in my available hand. It felt hard to breath. I couldn't lose her, she's too young, I'm too young, _I love her._

"Okay, the ambulance should be here soon are you going to be okay?"  
"Y-yeah" No, I wanted to scream. I can't live without her. I wanted to die. I'm the human, she's so much better than me. I deserve this, not her. The woman hung up. I went back to Autumn, the three girls were crying and holding her, stroking her hair and face.

"Autumn...oh Autumn please, please don't die on me, please..."

I took her hand, it was like ice. I whispered 'I love you' in her ear and held her until the ambulance came and took her away.


	10. Dream Lover

10

10. Dream Lover

I put my face against the grated window, tears slid down it silently. I wasn't allowed in; I could only watch her breathe. This was so fucking unfair. They operated, stitching Autumn up like a broken toy. Now we just need to wait for her to wake up. My mom and Mikey tried to get me to go back home, just for a while, but I wouldn't budge. If this window was as close as I was allowed then I wouldn't leave until I could get closer, to at least touch her again. She had a cloth pulled up to her chin, the one wrist propped up on a pillow. Her hair was spread out on the pillow, knotted. I jumped at the slightest movement: an eyelid flutters, her fingers twitch. Regardless, she was beautiful.

I was still lost. Why would she try to kill herself? Did she _really_ still love me? Or was there something else?

A portly old nurse wandered in and fussed with her machines, put a new pillow under her wrist and left. Her eyelids moved when the nurse touched her hand.

"'Ey kid." I jumped. The hospital had been quiet since her sisters went home. I turned and saw the nurse, her dark skin glowing in the fluorescent lighting of the ward.

"Y-yeah?" I said, wiping my face.

"You gonna stay 'ere overnight?" I hadn't considered that. I looked down the hall and saw other nurses tucking in the patients. Had I really been here for a whole twenty-four hours? Just watching over Autumn? I felt like we had switched roles and smiled in spite of myself.

"Erm…I guess so. Sure." The nurse gave me a toothy grin.

"She your girl, kid?" Not anymore, I wanted to say. I nodded and she smiled again.

"You wanna see her?" I nodded again, more eagerly this time.

"Well, whatcha waiting for? The door's righ' there!" The woman laughed to herself and pushed her cart down the hall.

" I won' tell nobody, kid. Go on in." I hadn't noticed I was shaking until I put my hand on her door. I pushed it a little and it glided open for me. I knew what it looked like from the glass (which turned out to be a double sided glass; it was a mirror on this side), but it was _so_ much different to actually _be in the room_. Sure, everything was white and obviously sterile. But, shit, the place even smelled clean. You could hear the whirr of the machines that kept her breathing. They had her on a drip, something you couldn't see from the window. I took a chair from the corner and pulled it next to her bed. She had dark circles around her eyes, her chest rose and fell gently. I took her uninjured hand; she was still freezing like a corpse. I didn't want to think she was dead, because she wasn't: the doctor said that she just needed to wait for the sedatives to wear off. I felt like I should say something.

"Hi, Autumn." She didn't speak. Her machines replied for her: _whirr click beep. Beep. Beep._ I hadn't noticed the heart rate monitor, softly keeping time to her breathing.

"I'm sorry this happened." _Beep. Beep. Beep._ I put a hand in her hair and started untangling it. It wasn't normal for Autumn's hair to be messy. I smiled, remembering the one time I woke her up early to surprise her.

"_Um…yeah I think she's still sleeping," her mother replied. I didn't miss the unappreciative glance that she gave me as I turned and walked up the stairs. I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible, and swallowed a giggle when I saw her drooling slightly on her pillow. Her room was incredibly messy, with clothes and books scattered everywhere. Posters lined the walls and a radio hummed some sort of love song. I clicked it off and sat on her bed, smiling as I stroked her hair in her sleep._

"_Wake up, lover," I whispered into her hair. I felt her shiver a little, but she continued to 'sleep'. I sang gently in her ear:_

"_Dream lover, where are you?_

_With a love, oh, so true?  
And I hand that can hold?_

_To feel you near as I grow old"_

_She giggled as she opened her eyes and kissed my nose… _

The memory faded as I watched her stir…would my singing wake her up again? My voice was tired, but I guessed I'd at least try.

"Oh Autumn…why did you do this to yourself?" I tried not to cry again as I carefully crawled next to her and put my lips to her ear:

"_Dream lover, until then, _

_I'll go to sleep and dream again  
That's the only thing to do, _

_till all my lover's dreams come true"_

I sang it slower and softer than it was meant, but it sounded right. Her fingers clenched in both her hands; I took her better hand and put it to my face. I prayed she could hear me._  
"'cause I want a girl to call my own  
I want a dream lover so I don't have to dream alone"  
_Her mouth opened and I _was_ crying. Her lips moved, but no sound came; her hand started to clasp mine._  
"Don't make me dream alone  
Don't make me dream alone  
Don't make me dream alone"_

"Gee…?" Her pale olive eyes opened and blinked sleepily.

"Oh, my God, you're awake," I breathed in her ear, pressing my lips tenderly against her cheek.

"Gerard? You have a _lovely_ voice…" I smiled, but only because she did too. It was weak, but it lit up the dim room better than any lamp.

"You have a lovely smile, dear." I kissed her cheek again, scared that kissing her full on the lips would be too much for a couple that really wasn't going together anymore.

"Gerard…why are you here?" Her eyebrows furrowed and her smile died away. I was slightly shocked but the question wasn't unexpected.

"What do you mean, Autumn?" she glanced at her wrist and moved her hand around a bit to see if it still moved.

"I mean…I _dumped_ you. You should be like, 'grr I hate you' and such," she sighed and turned her head towards mine. She looked like she was going to cry

"Did you want to…_dump_" –I cringed at the word- "Me?" Her lips trembled. 'No' she mouthed, her voice abandoning her.

"Love…" she shook her hand away from mine.

"My mom doesn't like you…" I couldn't help smiling this time

"I'm being serious, Gee! She told me to dump you because you were too needy."  
"Needy?" I laughed this time

"As in needing saved all the time"  
"Oh…" Well, that might be true. But did that really matter, now that we knew what would happen?

"Gee…who found me?" I was stroking her face with my now-free hand.

"What do you mean?" She looked away.

"Who found me after…" She glanced at the blood-stained bandage. "_That?_"

"I did, dear."

"Why?" I frowned a little.

"Well, I was dropping off this painting for you, and-"

"No, why didn't you let me _die_?" Now I was shocked. A tear streaked her face and I wiped it away quickly.

"Because I would die if you died, Autumn." She shook her head and turned away.

"Autumn…" I saw her tremor slightly. I put my arm on her shoulder and she shrugged it off feebly.

"I can't, Gerard…I'm not like you…" She chose her words carefully and slowly.

"Does it matter?"  
"Yes! If I had never even looked at you, you wouldn't be in this situation. You're risking your life talking to me right now." I sat back up and shrugged.

"I don't care." I could tell she was rolling her eyes even though I couldn't see her.

"I do. If you got hurt…or worse…I would never forgive myself." We were quiet for a time.

"Please don't end it here, Autumn." I pleaded. She looked back at me, her eyes full of tears.

"It won't work out, Gerard. Just move on already."  
"But _I can't._" She was crying but she was frustrated too.

"Why not?! I'm surprised you even came back after I told you the first time; I thought you got it!"  
"Because _I love you_, Autumn!"

"Then go love someone else! I'm sure they would appreciate it better than I do anyways." She was struggling to sit up. I tried to help her and she glared at me.

"Gerard…just…go. Please." I was heartbroken. I took a bus back home and cried the entire time.

_She doesn't want you anymore._

But I love her.

_In case you forgot, she doesn't care._

I care

_Doesn't matter. Take her advice and forget her._

I can't just forget her. I love her

_Yeah we already established that. That needs to stop._

How do I stop loving her?!

_Find someone else…?_

Just replace her? With who?

_Olivia, maybe?_

She doesn't like me.

_Says you._

I stepped off the bus and started down the icy street, just then realizing I forgot a jacket. I shivered and walked.

"Hey, Gerard…"

"Olivia?"

_Told you. She found out you weren't taken anymore and jumped._

Fine. I blocked the voices out of my head and talked to her.

"Yeah, Gerard. 'member me?"

"O-of course, Olivia." I flushed slightly.

"You wanna come over? My house is closer than yours from this point."  
"Sure!" my voice cracked. "I mean sure." I said slightly lower. She giggled and took my hand, her long nails scratching my skin. She was no Autumn, but she wasn't ugly either. She had waist-length dark brown hair that bounced gently when she walked; bright blue eyes that sparkled slightly. Okay, so she _was_ prettier than Autumn. But was she an angel? She giggled again.

"You look really tired Gerard. What on earth have you been up to?" She was a bit of a ditz too…was it really worth it? What would Autumn think?

_Forget about Autumn. You have Olivia now._

I looked at Olivia.

"Hey, you know, I don't have a date to the dance, if you wanted to go with me…"


	11. Live And Breathe And Die Alone

11

11. Live and Breathe and Die Alone

I told him to go love someone else. I must be insane. They said I hit my head; maybe that was it. But it was for the better, right? He could go and live his life, knowing that he had a Guardian Angel; there was no requirement to knowing who they are. I told him to love someone else. And I knew exactly who he'd go to. Olivia. I sighed. I didn't even know what she looked like, probably never said two words to her, and I hated her. I hated her for being human, for knowing her future was secure. I hated her for not getting picked on everyday. I hated her for breaking Gerard's heart. But most of all, I hated her for loving him. I felt shallow and worthless for hating a girl I really didn't know. I hated myself more for letting him go. Why did I ignore him?

How many times had he said he loved me in the past hour? How long had he been waiting for me? Why didn't he let me die? This would be so much easier if I were dead. I almost died too, I could feel it. Using my good hand, I propped myself up. There was a mirror on the other side of my bed, catching my reflection. Was that what I looked like, was that really my face? I saw bags under my eyes. Knots in my hair, which was now stringy and limp. I looked paler.

Fuck this, I thought. I'm an angel; I don't need twenty machines keeping me alive. I pulled the tubes out of my nose and disconnected the heart rate monitor. I wobbled a little when I stood up, blood rushing to my head. I took a step to see if I could manage standing. I could.

The floor of the ward was uncontaminated and icy. Wandering around the hospital at three in the morning made me feel out of place. I'd never really been to a doctor; we usually were in perfect health. The last time I was at a hospital was for Gerard. Why did I invest so much time in him? Did I really think it would last? I passed a man in green pushing a still-born baby in a cart. Gerard would grow up and have children. Would I ever even get married? Did I want to die alone? I met an elevator and pushed the up button. Maybe he'd marry Olivia. They'd have cute kids. I shook my head. Forget him, remember? Once I get over this, I could find someone else. An angel, at least.

Maybe not.

It wouldn't be _that bad_ to die alone.

Would it?

The doors opened and I shuffled inside. I hit the button for highest floor available and the box lurched upwards.

Would he take me back?

No, I thought. He has his life; you don't need to interfere anymore. The elevator stopped and an elderly woman got on. We continued upwards. I didn't like this; it was too personal. I tugged nervously at my gown, then at my bandages.

"Ooh, honey, what happened to you?" The woman asked. She seemed innocent enough. She was maybe 2/3 my height, weighed ninety pounds soaking wet, and looked like the kind of person that lived alone. And she had this sweet, tiny voice.

"Oh, um…I fell." She nodded

"Off my bike yeah."

"Well, you should be more careful next time, dear. Oh here it is." The doors opened and the woman hobbled away. My eyes caught her wristband: _Terminal_. Oh Jesus…

Was I really that stupid? I was _sixteen_. Why was I killing myself over a boy, of all things? A human, no less. Now I was sounding like my mother. Ivy hated humans…even though she married one. The elevator touched the highest floor. I wandered the ward looking for a staircase. I looked in windows; I couldn't tell if these people were comatose or asleep. I pushed through a door looking for stairs and saw two beds, occupied. Their faces and bodies were covered with sheets stained with blood. There were no tubes or cords coming out of them. The monitors: flat line. Was this floor the morgue? I pulled back a sheet on what turned out to be a woman, maybe thirty years of age. Her face was mutilated with scars and gouges. There was a thinner sheet underneath the entire cover, a damp, red spot over her heart. I put the cover back over her face. I turned toward what I knew was a man. If I knew he was dead, why did I keep looking? Pulling the sheet back, his death was neater. Just a bullet wound to the forehead. The doctor had left his notes on the body. I skimmed, catching bits like, "having older organs than appearance showed," or "died only after suffering extensive damage; untypical" I put the notes back and went towards the woman again. I checked around her face, and I found it behind her ear: the mark. The mark that Victoria had on her ankle, the mark that was on my wrist. My wrist! I had no idea I had cut clear through the little cross that told anyone who knew that you were an angel. More experienced angels (Victoria, Ivy) can tell you're an angel by looking at you.

I was scared now. Normal angels didn't die in car accidents or by bullet wounds. I looked in a tub nearby for the evidence. All they could find was a bullet from the man's scull. They cleaned it off real well, but what was engraved in it was more disturbing than the blood and muscle tissue remnants that were left in the bucket: _angelus vadum pereo._ _The angels will die_. I almost fell over. This was obviously a Deamon that killed the angels. I pocketed it, and got the hell out of there.

I finally found a staircase that led to the roof of the building. The sun was rising and cast an orange glow over the small piles of snow gathered in the corners on the roof. I avoided broken glass and glowing cigarette butts, I was barefoot. I put my toes at the edge, letting them hang off just a little. Most would find the height dizzying, I found it comforting. I was trained well enough; I could land without getting hurt if I jumped. Half of me wanted to. The other half (the more logical half) said I already was going to need therapy for attempting suicide, jumping off buildings wouldn't get me in a better position. Everyone was asleep or behind a desk, no one would see you. There were only two cars in the employee lot, one in the visitor. You could see everything from up here. The high school towered above the suburban homes. Maybe I should jump off the school too. Maybe try flying for once.

But now I just wanted to fall.

Before I jumped, I kept thinking. Gerard couldn't do this if he tried. That cheered me up a bit. Neither could Olivia, she can't even ride rollercoasters. Ray probably wouldn't get on top of the building, poor kid was terrified. Victoria would jump, no questions asked. I was laughing now, maybe just the littlest bit, happy to be alive. That disappeared, regretting yelling at Gerard for saving me. I owed him my life. I brushed away the thought of owing Gerard anything. How many times had I saved his life now? I felt jittery looking down now. What if I missed? What if I actually died for once? Looking at the snow covered pavement below and almost reconsidered. After all, this looked exactly like one of the things I would yell at Gerard for attempting. But thinking of him again just made me want to jump ten times more. I shivered a little, wishing I brought a jacket of sorts. I sensed movement behind me. I bent over, inconspicuously picking up a piece of glass. I waited for the movement again, before jumping and hurling the broken glass as fast as possible.

There was nothing there. The glass skittered across the cement until it reached the other side of the building. Damn.

Now if I could only do that in gym class and not when my safety was at stake…

I almost forgot I shouldn't be up here. I searched for thoughts using my mind, but all I could hear was the young mother silently mourning the loss of her newborn child.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I looked back at my toes, wiggled them a little, and took a step forward off the building.


	12. I Say It Runs In The Family

12

12. I Say It Runs In The Family

"NO!" I fell maybe a foot before arms wrapped around my torso, keeping me from falling. I hung there, suspended by whoever had enough nerve to keep me from tumbling to the pavement below, my feet tapping at a window.

"What…the…_fuck_?!" I twisted within the person's grasp, trying to break free. Best case scenario: It was a doctor who thought I was killing myself again. Worst case scenario: Gerard.

It was neither. I was pulled up onto the roof, thrown onto my back.

"What the hell are you thinking?" I knew that voice. I looked up at who caught me.

"Mikey?"

"I come here to visit you, make sure you're okay, and you're throwing yourself off buildings!" He looked angry and relieved at the same time.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself!" He wasn't buying it.

"_Really_?! So is jumping at suicidal heights one of your hobbies?" his expression was wild, growing wilder as I laughed.

"You wouldn't believe me if I said yes." He pushed a hand through his brown hair.

"I don't know what to believe anymore." He pulled me up, eyeing the bandage.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" He smirked

"I'm missing an exam to save your life. I hope you're happy"  
"If you'd understand I wasn't risking my life in the first place…"

"You owe me so much it's not even funny."

"How about you take me home and we can talk?"

"I took a bus"  
"That's fine." He rolled his eyes

"You cannot just _leave. _You have to be discharged or else the police will show up at your house."

"I'm a patient, not a convicted felon. Come on, Mikey, live a little." He opened his mouth to protest, but just smiled instead

"I don't want to be a doctor anymore. You'd give me nightmares, girl." I laughed.

"I thought you wanted to be a lawyer?" We started down the stairs and found an elevator.

"You'd still give me nightmares." He pushed the button at least twenty times.

"That doesn't make it go faster."

"It makes me feel better." I shook my head.  
"Hey Mikey?"  
"Yeah?"  
"You're a freak." The elevator doors creaked open and he motioned for me to go first.

"Coming from little Miss Autumn who jumps from tall buildings for fun. But I'm the freak" I giggled

"Of course!" I leaned against a rail, my hand loosely grasping it. I watched the glowing numbers tick down to one.

"Hey, did Gerard go home already?" Mikey looked a little concerned now

"He left the hospital, but I don't know if he went back to your house…" I picked at my thumbnail; I really didn't want to talk about Gerard.

"I heard you guys had a…uh…falling out?" I grimaced slightly.

"I'm not allowed to see him anymore." Mikey dug through his pockets for change.

"Oh, that sucks, A." Mikey's stupid nickname for me. I let it slide.

"Yeah, but whatever. It's fine."  
"I thought you loved him, Autumn." Ugh Mikey, did you ever stop asking dumb questions?

"Not anymore I guess." Liar. Snowflakes danced in the early morning air and stung my skin.

"You don't have shoes or a coat or anything?" I shook my head and he rolled his eyes.

"What am I going to do with you…?" I shrugged and laughed. I did wish I had shoes though. I wasn't too keen on riding the bus barefoot, especially in New Jersey. The bus was exactly as I predicted: dirty and filled with the weirdest people. Luckily the driver didn't question my appearance.

"Autumn, honestly, why would you do this?"  
"Why is that the only question I've been asked since I woke up? Not 'how are you' or anything?"

"Okay then Autumn. How are you?" I scoffed.

"I feel like shit, Mikey." He nodded. I guess I could talk to him a little.

"Okay so let's say I have this secret."  
"Like a highly infectious disease or illegitimate love child?" I looked at him funny.

"Sorry. I read too much, I guess." I laughed and continued.

"Okay sure. So I have this secret and-"

"Disease!" I sat back in the bus seat.

"Fine. So I have a _disease_ and only if you have this disease, you know it exists."

"Mhmm…"  
"And, so, I thought I could trust Gerard with this, ah, secret. This disease isn't exactly unheard of; it's just that people tend not to believe you have it if you do."

"So you're worried Gerard's going to tell people your secret?" I nodded.

"Can you tell me?" I shrugged.

"I seriously doubt you'd believe me."

"It's okay." I wrung my hands. Why was I nervous around Mikey? He's my best friend, for goodness sakes.

"Well, the other problem is that this 'disease' you could say everyone in my family has it. But my sisters and I only, um, kind of have it."

"So it's not an illegitimate love child?" I laughed

"No, Mikey. Sorry to burst your bubble." I winked at him. _What?_

"Damn…can I try to guess?" I closed my eyes, realizing how tired I was.

"I'd rather you didn't…"

"Hey Autumn, you do realize there is snow on the ground."

"Thanks Mikey I was completely unaware…" I shook my head.

"You can wear my shoes if you want…"

"Uh…You sure?"

"Yeah, because the bus stops like, a mile away from my house."

"What about my house?"

"It's even farther." I sighed. He handed me his tennis shoes that I slipped uncomfortably over my bare feet. The bus jolted to a stop and we jumped out. Poor Mikey I do owe him…

--Gerard--

"Olivia, I thought we were going to your house," I finally pulled my eyes away from the ground to notice we were in my neighborhood, not hers. She stopped every ten seconds to kiss me; it would take all night at this rate. The sun was just about to come up as well.

"Oh Gerard, I haven't been to your house in _ages, _can't we go there instead?" she breathed into my ear, pressing her lips gently to my cheek.

"Sure, doll." I kissed her back. Her arms were slung around my neck at this point; my best guess was she got drunk and wandered away from her house. This was so awkward. Were we even going out now? I didn't want her to go home with me, this could only get worse. I should just tell her now, I'm not over Autumn, she should give me a few weeks and then maybe I'll reconsider. I stopped her at my driveway.

"Hey, 'liv?"

"Yes, Gerard?" Her little voice whispered the words so cautiously. I looked at her again, her dark hair framing her face perfectly, blue eyes shining even in the dark.

Why wait a few weeks for something I could have now?

I pulled her close and whispered:  
"Are you ready?"

--Autumn (again…) --

"I hope those fit you okay…" Mikey was referring to the sweatpants and tee-shirt he had given me in place of my hospital gown.

"Nah they're fine, Mikey." I smiled at him. He was replacing a bandage on my wrist after I had broken the scab. It would be so much easier to look at him if his eyes weren't the exact shade of brown that Gerard's were.

But I wasn't thinking about him anymore.

"I'd imagine you'd want to sleep now?" It had just hit me that I was incredibly tired. I nodded and he smiled.

"You can sleep in my room, since the only other room is…well…" I nodded again. _Gerard's_, we both thought.

"Well goodnight then," He wrapped his arms around me. This wasn't the first time I'd been hugged by Mikey, but it felt, I don't know, _weird _this time. Mikey was practically my brother, what made this hug any different? Then I realized he had not let go of my hand, that he was kissing my cheek. I quickly muttered "'night", and slipped upstairs.

It was eerie in his house when there was only his parents, but they were sleeping. It was so quiet. I was used to Gerard blasting music in the background, Mikey playing bass at ungodly volume levels. His house being silent felt out of place. And I hated it when it was too quiet. Of course I pick the most genuine time to forget which room was Mikey's. I didn't want to stumble in on his parents. If I saw Gerard's room again, I would cry. I heard the softest giggle and I jumped. Where the hell would that be coming from? I made my steps as quiet as possible as I inched towards a door. Another muffled noise, more masculine, more of a moan. I was scared, so why did I keep walking? I heard words that broke my heart.

"_Oh, Gerard…"_ The door was open a crack. I couldn't look, could I? Even though I knew what was on the other side? I heard both of them laugh, then Gerard sighed. I couldn't hide any more. I pushed open the door and saw my worst nightmare.

Gerard had his arms around a shirtless girl, who I figured was Olivia. Both of them were very drunk, so much, that they hadn't stopped kissing to notice another person was in the room. It took me a second to realize Gerard wasn't wearing _anything. _

"G-gerard?" My voice a hoarse whisper, unrecognizable to even myself. My face registered in Gerard's mind somewhere, and he tore himself from the girl.

"Autumn…?" I shook my head and ran out of the room.  
I gave him up. I just didn't expect him to move on so fast.


	13. The Collision Of Your Kiss

13

13. The Collision of Your Kiss

What is it about getting your heart broken that makes things look a little different? I hadn't looked in a mirror for days, but I'm sure I looked horrible. The snow wasn't pretty anymore; I was sick of seeing it. My jeans were soaked up to the knees as I tramped through it all the way to school. The weather wasn't bad enough for a snow day. People scared me more than usual; I didn't talk and I didn't make eye contact. My grades were suffering and it wouldn't be long before someone contacted my mom. And I wasn't in an explaining mood, either. I looked up and saw that light gray clouds covered everything; there wasn't a sun anymore. I start to see the school through the fog and my heart drops to my stomach like it had been doing the past few weeks. Mikey and Ray still sat with me in my classes, and Victoria still joined us at lunch. I had, however, dropped out of art. There was no way I could avoid him in the art room, especially when all of the work that he made (and I had told him was beautiful) was hung up on the walls. This now placed me in none of his classes other than the inevitable lunch. I decided to take gym and get it out of the way. All the study halls were full anyways.

The four story building had never looked so ominous. I silently walk into math, sitting through another lecture that didn't mean anything to me. I get pulled back at the bell, and have a "talk" with the teacher about my 40 in his class. I nod when I need to, and scurry out the door when he appears to be done. Next is gym, where I run laps around the track until the gym teacher wills me to get my grades up so I can join the track team in spring. Right. Popular people are on track. Their star runner is Olivia (gag). I stop running at once and feign being cold, wordlessly. The genderless teacher sends me inside where I can stop catching something contagious. The bell rings and I go to social studies. Another lecture class, I try to fall asleep. The teacher's voice is too high and too loud to make that happen, so I take out a pen and write a note to Victoria. She had been concerned; I hadn't told anyone what happened at Gerard's house. I'm guessing that Gerard didn't either, because Mikey was worried as well. I wrote everything that had happened, including trying to jump off the top of the hospital. I slipped it to her during lunch, the period another reminder that Gerard didn't want to see me anymore. Not that I wanted to see him either, but still…

He sat with Olivia now. My replacement. But I looked at him, and he didn't smile, didn't laugh at her jokes. He held her hand loosely as she periodically kissed his cheek. I was disgusted by all of it. I was never like that, was I? Maybe with Erik…but I'd learned my lesson with him.

I was fourteen, he was sixteen or seventeen, I couldn't tell. I thought he was just a human, a messed up kid that needed help. He wasn't hard to fall for, deep blue eyes and a mop of brown curls on his head, far from unattractive. Then I thought I could trust him. I turned fifteen and he said he wanted to marry me, to spend the rest of his life with me. He trusted me with everything, he said. Erik was the only person whose mind I couldn't read, so I figured I could tell him the truth, that I could trust him. I told him who I was, what I was. Then two days later, mistaken for an angel, my father was dead.

I shook off the memory and glanced back up. I met Mikey's eyes; he blushed and looked down quickly. Victoria, done with the note, looked like she was searching for the right words to say.

"I'm concerned" I pull at the scab on my wrist and Ray mumbles something like 'don't do that…'

"Okay…About what?" It was hard for a girl with bright purple hair and neon blue combat boots to make people take her seriously. But I could tell that she wanted me to listen to her, I had never seen her look so calm.

"About the whole 'I hate Gerard' thing you're pulling…I know you still love him, it's written all over your face." Mikey slid down in his seat a little, and I could feel my face flush slightly.

"So what if I do…? He has Olivia there's nothing I can do now." I was silently praying she wouldn't make a scene; she tended to do that when she was hung-over.

"Are you blind? He obviously doesn't love her as much as he loved you…as much as he_ loves_ you…" I shook my head.

"I'm so stupid…I shouldn't have dumped him…"

"So why don't you just tell him that?" I was extremely frustrated. Victoria wasn't normally this thick-headed.

"Because I told him to find someone else! _Because I gave up on him!_" I exploded, half the cafeteria now staring at me. Victoria looked like she was going to cry and kick me in the face at the same time, Mikey was completely hidden behind a text book, and Ray was absentmindedly staring off into space. I glanced quickly towards Gerard's table: he was standing up and staring right at me. This was too much. I ran out of the lunch room as fast as my legs could carry me. All I could think was trying to escape. Just one more hall way, a few more feet. I could see the doors and Mr. Vivendi, the damn art teacher, appears out of no where. I stop so fast I almost skid right into the wall.

"What's the hurry, Autumn?" He has his hands in his pockets, like one of his favourite hobbies is casually wandering the halls, looking for an excuse to write detentions.

"N-nothing, sir. Just not feeling well. Was going to walk home." He eyed me suspiciously.

"That's the fastest I've ever seen a sick person sprint. I think you're hiding something." I lock my jaw, wishing more than anything to rip off the smirk forming on his face.

"Well, anyways, you need to stop by the art room after school. All of your…_artwork, _if you could call it that, is in the cabinet. No use holding onto something that isn't worth anything, right?" This man's sarcasm was too much. The bell rings and I drag myself to English, at least the day was almost over. The last three periods pass like minutes to me. I stopped briefly at my locker, and then dragged myself to the art room. I dreaded this, because I knew Gerard spent his afternoons in the studio, working on his latest masterpiece and whatnot. I push the door open as quietly as possible, and, as expected, he's crouched over a sketchpad drawing feverishly. I sneak behind him, grabbing my folder and try to slink back out. But something catches me: he was singing. There was something different about his voice, it wasn't beautiful but it had a quality to it that made you want to keep listening. He was so soft when he sang, at least now he was, so that I had to stop and pay attention to catch what he was saying.

"Way down, mark the grave  
Where the search lights find us  
Drinking by the mausoleum door  
And they found you on the bathroom floor" He paused, wiped his face, and sang louder this time.

"I miss you, I miss you so fa-a-ar  
And the collision of your kiss that made it so ha-a-a-ard"

I turned away from the door and walked up to him, wanting to comfort him even if it was just a little bit. He was crying and singing, it was the saddest thing I'd ever witnessed. But did I need anything more obvious? He was literally _screaming _that he missed me, that he wanted me back. It killed me that I couldn't reveal my presence.

"Back home, off the run  
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists  
It isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun

So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying  
If you want I'll keep on crying  
Did you get what you deserve?  
Is this what you always want me for?"

I broke away from my conscience and put my hand on his shoulder. He jumped a mile, and got up off the stool. His eyes pierced me, like I had invaded on something private. He tried to hide his misery as he turned and hastily packed up his art supplies. Saddened, I wrapped my arms around him from behind and put my head on his shoulder. My folder slips from my fingers and my hand finds his.

"You shouldn't be here," he whispered. "She'll be here any minute." Relentless, he squeezed my hand tighter. He turned around again in my arms and put his hands on my face. I was giving my everything not to cry right then and there.

"Gerard please…wait…" He gave a weak smile.

"Haven't I waited long enough?" His thumb rubbed the back of my neck softly; his face was less than an inch away from mine. I wasn't ready, I couldn't do this. His nose brushed mine and our lips touched. Tears spilled out of my closed eyes and he wiped them away quickly, his hand not hesitating to linger on my face. His mouth opened and he consumed my fear. Any doubt I had up until that point was gone. But I realized then how awkward this must have been. Mid-kiss, I broke away, suddenly self-aware.

"I…I'm sorry…" I wrung my hands nervously, my back facing him.

"No…Autumn, can't we just…" His arms were around me again, his lips against the back of my head.

"Just what Gerard?" I wasn't in the mood for this. My heart couldn't take this much longer.

"Just be together?" I pulled his arms away gently. I hated this, whatever 'this' was...

"I can't." I crossed my arms and backed up slightly.

"Will you listen? Please? I know you don't want us to be together, and I know you think it's because we're…different. But I love you. I've loved you since I saw you. I could care less if you aren't human…or aren't completely human anyways. If anything I love you more for it. Please don't give up on me yet. I don't care about Olivia, how many times has she saved my life? Autumn, I hope you're hearing at least a little bit of this, because it is all true. Will you take me back?" I was speechless. How could I dump him-more than once too- and he still loves me? I had to be crazy to turn him down again.

"Autumn?" I looked at my toes. The muscles in my mouth weren't working; my vocal chords had frozen entirely. The door creaked and we both jumped a little.

"G-Bear? Oh there you are sweetie! I've been looking ALL over for you!" Olivia skipped in, breaking the icy atmosphere in the room. Her long, shiny brown hair bounced when she walked, she could have easily been a model if she wanted to. He held her for a moment, but his eyes never broke their gaze. Just as she led him out of the art room, I couldn't hold the silence anymore.

"Gerard? Wait!" He stopped, Olivia looking incredibly confused.

"Yes…yes I will!"


	14. Keep Your Soul Like A Secret

14

14. Keep Your Soul Like A Secret In Your Throat

There was something wrong with his eyes.

Why I realized this thirty minutes after he left, I'll never know. But his eyes weren't normal when he kissed me. Usually, they're a light brown shade, with flecks of green dancing in them like emerald flames. But then, they were so dark they were almost completely black, like his pupils had swallowed his irises completely. In addition, I felt ill almost as soon as he left. Beside his eyes, he didn't look sick. He looked better than he usually did, actually. My hands were trembling and my balance was unsteady. I felt nauseous. Unsure of my stability, I used the phone in the art room to call Winter and have her pick me up. She was acting a lot nicer since my suicide attempt. Somehow I knew it wasn't because my mother asked her to, either. Maybe it's because she had a boyfriend now. I didn't know his name, I'd never seen him, but he sure made her happy. It was almost creepy at first, Winter _smiling. _But I suppose it was better than her scowling at everyone all the time. I wasn't the only one with a broken heart, actually. Winter doesn't want anyone to know about it, but she had her heart broken majorly about the same time I had mine stomped on.

Her silver two-seater pulled up in front of the school and I climbed in. Almost immediately she sensed something wasn't right. One hand on the wheel, one hand on my forehead, she was hastily trying to diagnose what ever had come over me. I jumped; her hands were like ice.

"You're sick," she declared, returning her freezing hands to the steering wheel.

"Yes, I was kind of thinking the same thing…" I replied, hinting sarcasm.

"What the hell have you been up to?" A red light, her luminous silver eyes tried to pierce a mental barrier I had put up. I could read minds, she could only tell if you were lying or not.

"Nothing Mom wouldn't approve of…"

"Lie. Try again and tell the truth this time," Her face was twisting with frustration and concern. She knew I wasn't cutting myself; they hid all the sharp objects in the house after that incident.

"Why does it matter?" She was silent as the car jerked at the green light. After a few moments, realization dawned on her face.

"You're seeing that kid again, aren't you?" I didn't speak. If I didn't directly answer the question, she couldn't determine if I was lying or not.

"What kid are we talking about now?" she groaned, I'd figured her out.

"I don't remember his name…The one Mom grounded you from dating." Damn. There was no use lying if she was just going to figure it out.

"Yes, I saw him for a few minutes at the end of the day." She nodded as she came up with more questions to interrogate me with.

"Only saw him? Or did more happen then your letting me on to?" I sighed and rolled my eyes in annoyance.

"He kissed me and asked me out again."

"You said…?" I was getting angry at her nosiness.

"I said yes, okay? What does any of this have to do with me being sick?" She pulled into our driveway and abruptly stopped the car.

"Let's just say that you don't really know where he's been sticking his tongue since you dumped him." My stomach turned over as images of him in bed with Olivia flooded my mind.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She shook her head as she got out of the car.

"Do you honestly think he's all that innocent?" The truth in that statement stung like a pin prick to my self esteem.

Seven days until winter formal.

Snowflakes and Christmas lights appeared all over the school almost overnight. More and more kids are riding buses and driving to school. Chatter about who's going with who buzzes in the halls and people without dates search frantically for someone desperate enough to go with them. Gerard isn't in school. Listening to the bathroom gossip, he and Olivia are still going together and I'm officially the most unpopular person in the school. This is going by gossip, however, and Victoria assures me that its "total bullshit". Well, the unpopular part is, I suppose. But everyday, I see Olivia showing off some new piece of jewelry that he bought for her, or the cute little note he wrote her since his unexplained disappearance from school.

Six days until winter formal.

I find out that you need a date to get into winter formal, and almost consider Mikey. I then convince myself that he is just incredibly confused and that he really loves Victoria, not me. I play the bitch card, and when Brett (ew ew ew ew) asks me, I say yes. I know, it's rather sick to date the ex of the girl your ex is dating. But desperate is desperate and he just might grow on me.

Or he just might not. I just hope he doesn't want anything more than a dance.

Four days until winter formal.

My teachers all want a serious conversation with my parents. Their expressions are incredible when I tell them my mother won't be home for three more months and that my dad's dead. A mixture of sympathy and shock, they stutter apologies and recommend various psychologists that have apparently helped them through similar situations. Right. Like they had to watch their loved one die, that the only person that is still responsible for them only shows her face every five months if you're lucky.

Gerard is still M.I.A. I could care less. He was probably high when he asked me out. That's why his pupils were the size of dinner plates. I should have known it was too good to be true. I'm not feeling any better, but at least it hasn't gotten worse. Winter wants me to stay home but as long as I can walk then I'll go to school. It's bad enough that my grades are slipping; at least I'll have perfect attendance.

The day of winter formal.

I'd never felt more unattractive in my life. I pulled my ratty hair up and put a bit of lipstick on. The white fabric hugged my hips gracelessly, more cleavage showed than I had anticipated. I tugged at it constantly, wishing to show as little skin as possible. Hours passed like seconds, I spent the time cleaning my room, which I'd been neglecting like everything else. I took every picture with Gerard in it and put them in a box. I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. I pull the large canvas down from my wall, the colours still as bright as if he painted it yesterday. I couldn't keep it, but I wasn't cruel enough to throw it out. As I put the cover back on, a note falls out. _With love, Gerard. _His 'g' is bigger and curvier than usual; he used to try so hard to impress me…

I was incredibly frustrated. How did he fall out of love so easily with me? I hated myself for it, but I still loved him. I'd be surprised if I ever stopped loving him. I remembered his eyes. This wasn't right, something's messing with him and I had a sinking feeling it was a Deamon. My eyes jump to the clock; I had an hour before Winter was driving us all up to the school. I hear the door open and close three times before I go downstairs. Spring is in a pale blue dress and Ray is in a matching colour. I smile at him and give him a thumbs-up; he blushes. His 'fro, somehow, is slicked back neatly. Winter is in a white dress with a black flower pattern heavily staining the fabric; her date, in all black. He looks familiar but I can't put a name to his face. Summer's in a short, pink dress and her date is casually dressed. A camera is put into my hands and I take all the pictures. Winter rushes us into Mom's van; even then all of us don't fit. Spring sits on Ray's lap and four people are crammed in a spot made for two. I didn't expect Brett to show up at my house. I'd be surprised if he showed up to the dance.

We arrive and the gym is poorly lit and decorated. The bass to an unrecognizable song booms so loud that we have to scream in each others' ears to be heard. Not that I have much to say. Brett finds me and greets me by trying to shove his tongue down my throat. Repulsed, I try to hide myself. Apparently, white wasn't the colour because I find myself to be the only one wearing it. I climb up into the bleachers and watch other people dance, obviously unashamed. I scan thoughts aimlessly, most consisting of silent pleas to their partners for more…an occasional 'I love you' or 'I can't believe this'…and then I spotted Gerard.

Damn, he cleaned up well.

His crisp black dress shirt was tucked neatly into a dark pair of jeans. A red tie was somewhat loose around his neck and his black hair was slicked back with gel. I was almost in shock at how amazing he looked. He was talking to Mikey and I didn't dare read his mind, I was so scared for some reason I couldn't even comprehend my own thoughts. As if on cue, he turns and sees me cowering in the bleacher, yet he flashes a smile that lights the whole gym up. I blush and try to push myself further into the wall behind the bleachers. Olivia sneaks up behind him and his smile drops. I feel my lungs stiffen as their lips press. They pull back and hers form words: I love you. I'm gone before I see him respond. I can feel their eyes burning holes in my back as I jump the steps two and three at a time and run towards the door that leads outside. Laughter echoes in my ears as I stumble in the heels that I was so sure I could walk in. I lean against the building once outside and take deep breaths, trying not to pass out. Then, of course, he shows up. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't need to say anything, I just feel his arms around me and I finally let myself cry. My head in his shoulder, his hand pulls the clip out of my hair and gently untangles the knots. I couldn't believe this. Who did he really love? Me or Olivia? I remove myself from his grasp, my back facing him.

"Autumn…?" I shook my head.

"Who are you, Gerard?" He walked around to face me again. "I hardly recognize you anymore" His hands tipped my face up. Those eyes, they were still black. There was no way this was Gerard. But this wasn't possessed, was it? I knew how he acted when he was possessed and it was the exact opposite of how he was acting now. And eyes don't turn black when you're possessed. I took a few steps away from him, scared, but making sure that whatever had him right now, it didn't get me. I shake my head and he shrugs, walking back inside. Almost instantaneously, Olivia appears, ever so graceful in her little black dress with matching heels. She didn't trip once. Her deep brown hair swung back and forth perfectly as she marched right up to me and slapped me across the face. I didn't have it in me to hit her back. Yet.

"Oh-kay…are you going to explain why you slapped me or is this just how you PMS?" Her hands were clenched and she was breathing heavily. Ooh, scary. A smile spread across her face, slightly disfigured in her hatred and anger.

"You think you can save him, don't you? Oh don't look so clueless, I know what you are." She moved closer, our eyes not breaking their contact as she got up in my face, still smiling. "Or rather, what you wished you weren't." What? She didn't know what I was, did she? Gerard couldn't have told her, he wasn't that bad. Unless the Deamon possessing him forced him to…but Deamons didn't have access to memories, did they?

"Is this a joke? You don't even know what the hell you're talking about…" She was laughing now, her nose pushing up next to mine, our eyes completely parallel.

"I know more than you think," Her normally sapphire eyes, just for a second, flashed blood red. "_Angel_." I watched as she danced back into the gym, leaving me in complete shock.

No. Fucking. Way.

Olivia was a Deamon, who had me completely figured out.

And she was drowning Gerard's soul, using him as her pawn to lure me in somehow. That explained his eyes.

And when I kissed him, just as she wanted me to, I became a pawn too.

It was only a matter of time now.


	15. Don't Stop, Bury Me, And Fade To Black

15. Don't Stop, Bury Me, And Fade To Black

I wasn't dead- yet. I had only a few days to save myself and possibly only a few hours to save Gerard. I ditched my shoes and pushed through the masses of teenagers, glaring at me as I interrupted their dancing. I searched frantically for someone, anyone familiar, preferably angel. Every face looked the same. I saw a blonde head bob through the crowd and made a grab for her shoulder. It was Summer, thank god.

"I knew you were looking for me and I-" I rolled my eyes.

"Okay now is not the time to play fortune teller with me." I could feel her embarrassment burning in her cheeks, even in the dark. I forgot she really couldn't help her power because she was still so young.

"Sorry, Autumn," She was barely audible as they turned the music up.

"Its okay, I just need you to tell me where Gerard is?" Her finger moved just over my shoulder, pointing to where Olivia had Gerard, his head in her lap and her fingers moving through his hair. She smiled as her eyes met mine and she waggled her fingers at me with her free hand. I shuddered slightly.

"What about Spring and Ray?" Her bright scarlet eyes went blank for a second and she turned red again.

"I wouldn't mess with them right now if I were you…" I raised an eyebrow but she was still deep in thought.

"And…Winter is outside…Mikey went home for some reason…and…you need to go get Gerard…like now…" Whatever she was seeing with Gerard obviously wasn't good unless I acted immediately. I pushed past her and marched to where Gerard was now by himself, face down on the bleachers. I pulled him up as far as I could, he was barely conscious. _'2 hours' _was scratched into his face, hinting how long he had until…I didn't want to think about it. I only could think about saving him and my inability to exist without him. Any other time, I would have thought I was pathetic.

I wrapped his arm around my shoulders and my arm around his waist, trying to support him as much as possible until we found Winter. I listened as hard as I could, her thoughts were scattered and she was obviously disoriented. I moved towards her voice, it got louder the closer we were to her. Gerard was slowly losing consciousness as I was slowly losing grip on him. I couldn't change, it would kill me. Likewise, I couldn't stop; he would die. The front doors of the school were right in front of me. I laid Gerard, finally asleep, on the floor as I ran out to get Winter. I didn't have to speak for her to realize it was Gerard. We carried him to her van and let him stretch out in the back seat. Summer was already waiting in the front; she saw it happening probably the second I moved out of the gym. Winter slammed the gas as I yelled directions to his house from the back; I refused to leave Gerard's side. Not when he only had 2 hours to live. No, he had more than two hours, I wouldn't let him die.

Mikey's expression was priceless.

Summer entered first, ushering him into another room to fake an illness that only Winter and I could cure. Then Winter, who cleared all of the crap off of their table to make room for Gerard. Then me, Gerard in my arms, I carefully let him down on the freshly "cleaned" table. Mikey escaped Summer and went upstairs to make sure his parents stayed asleep. What a nightmare that would be.

"So what's wrong with him, Autumn?" Winter started rummaging through his kitchen, grabbing things like rubber gloves, towels and (I paled) a knife.

"W-what's that for?" She shook her head, obviously not going to tell me. And, to make matters worse, she was reciting the Chinese alphabet backwards in her head.

"Is it a Deamon?" I nodded. She wore a bemused expression, now contemplating why he looked different than a normal possession.

"She's attached to his soul, Win." Nodding, she tossed me a pair of gloves.

"What are you doing…?"

"Deamons can't just attach themselves to your _soul, _Autumn. If it's going to kill him, then he has to physically have something inside of him." She lifted him up briefly to slide a few towels under his torso.

"And…and…the knife…is to…" She giggled at my horrified expression and cradled the knife like an infant.

"Cut it out of him, of course." I gripped the table, I was supposed to be the strong one but my stomach had just turned over at the thought of gutting my lover. She pushed the handle of the knife into my hand and tore the shirt off of him, buttons flying everywhere. She uncapped a marker and drew what looked like a large 'I', spanning from his shoulders to the bottom of his rib cage. She looked at me.

"Well?" she said, impatient.

"Well what?"

"You're his angel." I swallowed a lump forming in my throat.

"So I have to…?" She scoffed.

"Yes, you have to." I looked back at him, his chest rising and falling. "Or he'll die." I leaned over him, positioning the knife at the end of the first line. I pushed the tip in gently, blood oozed out of the cut. I felt stomach acid crawling up my throat; the knife was coated in his blood already. I couldn't do this. I wasn't a doctor. I was a teenager, a sixteen year old who didn't have a choice in anything that happened to her it seemed, and here I was operating on one of my peers.

"Don't impale him, Autumn!" I snapped out of my thoughts long enough to see him twitch in pain, I had started touching nerves. I pulled the blade across his shoulders, stopping at the end of the line. I repeated this motion at the bottom of the 'I' shape, the line became crooked from my trembling hands. I couldn't mess up. I would kill him if I did. I angled the knife so I could make the final incision. Once it was taken care of, Winter pushed me aside so that she could pull back the skin. I watched, horrified, as his insides were exposed to the air. I was abhorrently reminded of dissecting a frog in biology, except for that the frog was dead. There weren't lives on the line; there wasn't a beating heart you were working with.

I turned away as Winter reached for him, I couldn't watch. I almost screamed as the sickening sound of bones cracking filled my ears.

"What are you doing?!" I shrieked at her, too frightened to let my voice relax.

"Look," Her voice, on the other hand, was level and calm. Shaking violently, I turned back very slowly.

I could have fainted. The few ribs protecting his fragile heart had been cracked apart, exposing the vital organ and what was disturbing it: Two bony, charcoal hands were wrapped around his heart, pulsing slightly.

"When I remove that…thing…you have to keep his heart beating." I nodded. My telekinetic abilities were rather underdeveloped, but I was the only one around who could keep him alive. Her pale hands reached towards his heart and I closed my eyes. I tried to concentrate on his heart, but it was hard to keep a steady beat when there wasn't one even in my own chest. I took deep breaths, his heart illustrated on my eyelids perfectly. I ignored the wretched scream the Deamon monster made when it was removed from its life source, the sudden cut-off of this shriek, and the quiet sound of his skin being sewed back together. All I could hear were his heartbeats, my fear drowned by my will to keep him breathing, to keep him alive.

"Autumn…" Winter's voice was soft, tired. "You can open your eyes now, but don't stop his heart. He's still weak." I cracked my lids and felt a wave of relief wash over me. I had underestimated Winter's medical abilities, Gerard's stitches were much neater than I had anticipated. But the best part was that his face was _his _face again. His brows, that had been heavier since Olivia, had lightened; his face looked relaxed and innocent again. His eyelids fluttered in his exhaustion, his cheeks flushed from pain, he was human again.

I closed my eyes and pushed gently into his thoughts:

"_I love you," he whispered through her hair. She flushed and kissed him lightly on the lips, her eyelids fluttered closed. His fingers moved across her cheek, brushing her hair out of her face. Their lips cracked into a smile mid-kiss, she giggled slightly. He leaned back in the grass, the dark sky seeming only inches from his face. Her face came into his view and he smiled again._

"_Autumn…" Her pink lips stretched even farther as he took her hand.  
"Will you marry me?"_

I inhaled sharply as I pulled myself out of his dreams. He wanted to marry…me? Curious, I pushed again, breaking down a slight barrier that had been formed.

"_I just don't know Gerard…" His hazel eyes were watering, rejection stinging in them._

"_But…I love you…"  
"And I love you, Gerard. But I just don't feel responsible enough to decide my future right now." A tear raced down the curve of his cheek._

"_You don't think we have…a…a…future?" She sat up and looked as sympathetic as she could when she spoke the familiar words:_

"_We aren't the same."_


End file.
